Let me read it to you…

what i hope is true

by | Nov 3, 2019

 

What I hope is true is the worst of my peri-menopause is behind me and I’ll have an unremarkable transition. Shouldn’t it be true that the ones with the worst periods should have the most pleasant of menopauses?

I hope it’s true that I’m a good human being. I hope I’m a good listener, a good writer, a good voice of reason when the whole world starts to look insane. I hope it’s true that being ‘highly sensitive’ is a super-power and not a disease.

I hope it’s true that it’s not too late for the oceans, not too late for the leopards, rhinos, gorillas and turtles. I hope it’s true that we’ll all be heroes for the planet and not foolish, wreckless, greedy assholes.

I hope it’s true that when I am taken away to the ‘old folks home’ there will be wifi. Take my jewelry, photographs and Smiths albums to Goodwill. But dear lord, let there be internet.

My mom was diagnosed with ‘slight dementia’ recently and I hope it’s true that this is just part of getting older and it doesn’t get much worse. I know we haven’t always gotten along and I haven’t always been nice to her. I just hope it’s true that there still time for us to learn how to love each other.

I hope it’s true that this job is what I need to be doing, I’ve made the right decision to work full-time there and I’m not sacrificing precious time I could be creating something more meaningful and life-affirming. Money is the goal and it may be true there won’t be enough.

I hope it’s true that with time and effort, my writing and teaching will mean something, that I will attract a beautiful audience and family of writers. I’m having the sweetest feeling of accomplishment this morning as I realize I’ve published the very first post in my new publication. I started something. And more than 10 people have read it already. This is an excellent beginning — small, a little clumsy, quiet, simple.

I go on imagining what Memento could be a year from now. I hope it’s true I stick with it, the carefully plotted routine of writing can be sustained. I hope I wake up on November 1st, 2020 and feel a sweet sense of accomplishment for the 75 or so stories found between its ‘covers.’ Maybe more.

What I hope is true is my investment in landscaping will be worth it. I’m spending a lot of money and I’m afraid I’m going to regret it. I think my money issues haunt me. It’s almost a year that I’ve been debt-free and I find that to be a small miracle considering how much debt I’ve had all my life. I now have money in the bank and spending it makes me very nervous. I deserve to be able to have something significant without borrowing money for it. But the ‘deserving’ part feels like I’m a four-year-old walking around in mama’s pumps.

I think it’s true that writing heals all wounds.

2 Comments

  1. Florence M Bernard-Lemoine

    I found myself sympathizing with you 100% while reading your beautiful and very touching words. You are good at this!

    Reply
    • Cyn

      Thank you so much, Florence! I’m so glad you can relate. 🙂

      Reply

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