i need a better plan

I wait to write, paint or go for a walk until all the responsible things get done. It isn’t working.

A voice in my head keeps saying, “When you finish this next thing, then you can indulge. Then you can have coffee with your friends. Then you can get a haircut. Then you can figure out what’s causing your headaches. Just get this next thing done and off your plate.”

Yet, there’s always another ‘next thing’ crawling onto the plate.

I need a plan that helps me understand the word, ‘enough.’ What is that? How much time and worry is enough for my bank account, the inboxes, or the laundry? I keep waiting for the laundry to be done so my real life can begin.

How do I forget that painting is as necessary as breathing? How can I remember that beauty is a kind of currency or collateral against time?

Why do I still think I need to get the lawn mowed before music? The tub scrubbed before meditation? The sofa liberated from cat hair before turning the pages of a good book?

I’d really like to do it differently.

So today, instead of spreadsheets, I’ll choose a sketchbook, soft pastels and charcoal.

Tomorrow, I’ll forego the dishes for clementines and chai tea on the porch.

Wednesday, I’ll ignore the laundry so I can handwrite a letter.

And sometime on Thursday, instead of another hour feeding the algorithm, I’ll walk the low path around the lake to catch a honeybee with my camera.

You know - all the responsible things.

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